lull

Life has been supremely boring lately and while I do enjoy a bout of smooth sailing, I think it's high time I get back on the crazy train. Problem is, I never want to do anything when it's raining and it's rained for like, three-quarters of December.

So my newly acquired indoor hobby is perusing Reddit...more specifically, the pages of a subreddit on seduction and my oh my, is it fascinating. It never occurred to me that men would look at the game of seduction so methodically. Now, is it silly to wonder whether there's a similar subreddit with some more female representation? The norm is that guys are the ones who do the chasing and girls should just wait to be pursued. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'd even go so far to say that in most cases guys don't even need to be seduced because they'll rarely say no to a girl, provided she's decently attractive. Anyway, bottom line is, I'm intrigued by the game now but I don't really know how a female's methodical approach should look since I've always just relied on my instincts.

Enter older man #2, who is the one to initiate and I find it to be the perfect opportunity for some experimentation. As J put it, the goal is to "toy with him" and see how far he'd take it. However, the situation is slightly complicated by some sticky details.

Not only did I meet this guy through work, but he's also related to one of Boss's colleagues. He's also old enough to be my young father...kind of like the first guy who tried. But the difference with this guy is, he was one of the more attractive people at the event at which we met. It may be why I didn't immediately reject his advances the moment I detected flirtation...who doesn't like getting their egos stroked once in a while?

This may very well end up being one of my many bad decisions, but it's been pretty entertaining so far. (Obviously that trumps all else.) Except I think I blew it by being too detached. I guess he went out on a limb to put the ball in my court but all I did was pass it back to him. He didn't take too well to that as he ended the conversation right after he got my response. LOL. And damn it, that shit bothers me. I wonder if that's part of the female reaction or if it's just the Scarlet reaction.

On the bright side, at least my march into professional suicide has been slowed...for the time being.

i always do this

Currently scrambling to find something fun to do on New Year's Eve and since sex is out of the question, I'm beginning to flirt with the idea of swimming in drugs and alcohol. Maybe not so much the drugs, but if I impulsively buy a ticket to TAO...

What do I dooooo?

macabre

For some reason, this kind of style really fascinates me...in the same way people can't tear themselves away from something really gross or shocking.

If you want to indulge in some more creepiness, you can see the rest here.

early resolution

People can be placed into one of two categories: 1. Those who draw their strength from others and 2. Those who draw their strength from within.

I belong in the former. "I would like someone to never give up on me, the way I always give up on myself." Yes, I've posted about her a lot, but the connection she feels to Daul is kinda like what I feel to her.

Even though I'm lucky enough to have that someone, it's not a guarantee like having myself. Other people can only take so much. I guess it's something I can work on in the coming year.

I'm throwing this in here because the chorus seems appropriate.

And the synth-y version which J will surely think is crap because he doesn't like any of my synthpop :P

panic room

I NEED TO GET OUT.

Boss had a talk with me today. Asked what my future plans were, i.e. whether I'd decided to stay with the company. Uh, that would be an emphatic NO. But it would have been a display of the utmost imprudence to say this to Boss, of course. You have to be tactful when dealing with these situations, even when it's all you can do to keep yourself from spitting in your employer's face and skipping away gleefully. (For the record, I would never do such a thing :D)

Anyway, I ended up telling the truth, albeit not the whole truth. Which ended up sounding very vague because of the details I left out and, sensing these weaknesses, Boss pounced.

Boss felt it necessary to raise the following questions as a result of my seeming uncertainty:

• Can I afford graduate school?
• Would I go to school full-time or part-time?
• Where am I hoping to go with my current degree?
• Am I going back for a "career" degree? What will it help me accomplish?
• Am I going to law school? Why do I want to limit myself to law in the field I studied? (Uh, because it's MY interest? Does it look like I give a flying fuck what YOU want me to study, Boss?)
  

All this under the pretense that we were speaking as friends and I could voice my thoughts frankly. Mmhmm. The unease evoked by this line of questioning not only stemmed from the fact that I never thought of Boss as my friend at all, but it's also because I see no kindness or generosity in the things that Boss says or does. There's always an ulterior motive, despite what Boss may want people to believe. Our entire conversation screamed manipulative intent.

At this point, I don't really care how certain my plans are. I just know I need to get out soon. The high turnover rate of staff has been entirely due to Boss, but Boss appears to have remained oblivious to this.

i put on my robe and wizard hat

The effects of involuntary celibacy are beginning to take hold. My subconscious is up to its old tricks again and has been coming up with all sorts of taboo things which have been surfacing in Dream World. Believe me when I say this has never happened before, but my mind decided to play its own little fan fiction for my viewing pleasure, setting the dream in...Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Complete with a pleated skirt, wizard robes, invisibility cloak and a magic wand of a different sort.

It's only been a month since J left. ??? more to go. FUUUUUUU.

birds of a feather

I actually went to see Black Swan last Friday, and it was pretty difficult getting tickets since it was only being shown at two theaters in all of LA but we persevered and got decent assigned seating at The Landmark. If you didn't know, the film's a psychological thriller about a possibly bisexual ballerina. I wasn't sure what to expect going into this movie, but I was intrigued enough by the concept to put in my $13.

She cries a lot in this one. Still manages to look beautiful though.

The movie explores the pressures of competition within a professional dance company, accented by seduction and sexual curiosity while throwing a dysfunctional mother-daughter relationship into the mix. Some of the special effects were on the cheesy side but mostly the film was kind of disturbing. I especially liked the doppelganger motif...I shall say no more in case you plan on seeing it for yourself. Or read Wikipedia like I did, though it doesn't offer a detailed synopsis.

At the behest of yours truly, we hopped over to Yogurtland afterward for a late night sugar fix even though it was cooold outside. (There's no wrong time for frozen yogurt.) So we found out that Yogurtland is doing this 12 Days of Yuletide Yumminess promotion and unfortunately for me, they're not featuring the tiramisu flavor until the 9th. Booooo. They also ran out of my favorite original tart flavor so I had to settle for the cranberry tart instead. To make up for the substitution, I piled on so much mochi and chocolate-everything that my topping-yogurt ratio ended up quite disproportionate. Who didn't see that coming from a mile away?

December is either going to be really crazy or really boring. Not sure which one I'd pick if given the choice.

manic panic

This hair color has always been on my "crazy things I need to try" list. But in addition to losing my current job, I likely won't be able to find another one if I go through with it.

Lulu Chang via Tumblr

Sometimes I really hate being practical.

gobble gobble

This weekend consisted of:

• Dinner with family, which was, as usual, devoid of any turkey,
• Moonlight Madness shopping at Citadel Outlets, which was freezing but kind of worth it,
• Potluck with friends, which included delicious deep-fried turkey but I was DD and we all know how much it pains me not to drink, especially if chocolate martinis are readily available,
  
• A job application...though it was supposed to be five,
  
• Indulging in some Starcraft 2 and Naruto,
• Chocolate, cookies, hot cocoa and movies,
• Experimentation with this little thing. Bwahahaha gracias, J.
  

I don't need a holiday to be reminded of how much I have to be thankful for, but since it meant two days less at the depressing hole I call my office, I had absolutely no objections.

world's end rhapsody

Sipping on hot chocolate while listening to Nujabes as the rain pitter-patters against my windows. Can it get any more chill than this?

questionable motives

Sketchy invited me to watch movies with him at work the other night. Up until now, I thought maybe he just needed some friends in this lonely city. That could still be his motive, but now it seems equally likely that he's trying to make something happen. Who knows? I didn't go.

hallows & horcruxes

I gave Responsibility the finger last Thursday and went to catch the midnight show of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 at Universal CityWalk. It was EPIC. Almost every scene was done just the way I envisioned it when I read through the book. I've been so excited about it ever since the trailer was released and those 2.5 hours gave me everything I had hoped for. The settings were right out of the book, the cinematography was excellent and the acting was very well done. It's kind of strange to say this because I never saw him in this light before, but Daniel Radcliffe was looking pretty attractive in this movie. Must've been the ever-present 5 o'clock shadow. I gueeess the accent helped too. Can't wait to see the final installment!

Since I had long known it would be released on a weeknight, it occurred to me that choosing to watch this movie meant I'd be very tired at work the next day. And it crossed my mind to say no, but the reckless part of me felt it would be too awesome to pass up--I absolutely had to make an exception for Harry Potter. It did get me thinking though...now that my job is such a large part of my day, the responsible thing to do would be to give up the things that might negatively impact my work performance. But that's pretty much asking me to give up my fun. Moderation, you say? What's that?

What would be most ideal is not having to sleep so much. I'd get so much more out of my days if I didn't have to spend a third of them unconscious.

my love

You gave it all, gave into the call,
You took a chance and
You took a fall for us.

You came thoughtfully, loved me faithfully,
You taught me honor, you did it for me.

My love, leave yourself behind,
Beat inside me, I'll be with you.

rediscovery

You know that feeling when you have a favorite song and then you forget about it and then remember it again? Sometimes even the most trivial things in life can bring you so much pleasure.

Here's one of my rediscoveries.

so deep, so cool

me: btw, your mom is using your old phone from two years ago

and we were in the car and it started ringing

and the ringtone is still set to "so deep"

many memories came flooding back XD

J: LOL really

thats almost kinda awkward

having my mom's ringtone be something so cool

owned

Seriously, I need to work on becoming better at navigating social situations. Not only did I get myself stuck driving down to SD when I didn't really want to, but I also got myself into doing lunch with J's parents. Without J there. Why do I do this to myself?

Well, I know why I did it--the last part, at least. I would've felt really guilty if they somehow found out I had been in town and didn't drop by to say hello. And I really want to say, "At least I got a good meal out of it," but considering I had to work pretty hard during those two hours not to piss my pants while they prodded me for details about my job and future plans, I still think I got the short end of the stick.

They ended up taking me to a restaurant called The Cottage in La Jolla, which was a cozy-looking place that also offered outdoor seating--perfect for enjoying the bout of unusually nice weather that graced San Diego this weekend. Since breakfast was still available, I ordered stuffed French toast, which was French toast filled with fresh strawberries, mascarpone cheese and orange zest topped with powdered sugar and maple syrup. Sooo rich and delicious! J's parents ordered a crab melt and eggs benedict; I didn't try the latter, but the former was quite good as well, although it was a bit on the greasy side.

I hung out with the BFF afterward and had some long-overdue girl talk. She told me that she missed me, which actually came as a surprise to me...but it was touching and I let her know that I missed her too. I wish we could've spent more time together but this weekend just wasn't very well-planned. It's nice to know she still cares. Even though I can confide in J about anything, sometimes I just need a female to listen.

I also called up a couple of J's friends to see if they wanted to do something fun while I was in town. Unfortunately, Drinking Buddy wasn't available but Party Friend was down to play board games (Was that paradoxical? Party = board games?). He had a good laugh about how I got suckered into driving to SD and having lunch with the (I say this facetiously) future in-laws, while I poked fun at him for having to climb through the window into the driver's seat of his BMW because the lock had broken earlier that day. We played Settlers of Catan with two other friends, and I'm usually pretty awesome at that game but I got my ass handed to me by noobs. 'Twas a humbling experience but still a pleasant night.

My outlook on this weekend was pretty grim in terms of how much fun I expected to have, especially because I hadn't planned on going down. But I'm glad that I was still able to enjoy what SD had to offer even if J's no longer there as my anchor to the city.

random updates

The Older Man called in at work yesterday to inquire about something that we owed him. I thanked my lucky stars that he didn't hear me announce my name when I answered the call, thus avoiding much potential awkwardness...at least for him.

Also, I realized I never updated about Aunt Flo's status. It turns out that her indecisiveness was due to peer pressure from everyone else's aunts, who insisted that she wait for them before coming to town...the unfortunate consequence of spending 9 hours a day with a bunch of females.

just pretend

I could tell Boss has been getting irritated with me for not asking questions, but when I finally decided to ask a question today, Boss got annoyed anyway and told me to write down the directions I was given so that I "wouldn't forget."

I only pretended to write down what Boss said...because by that time it was the third iteration. Asshole.

improbable, but not impossible

Things I've been wanting lately:

• A tattoo
  
• Colored contact lenses
• One or two more ear piercings
• My own living space
• To never see Boss again
  

Three out of the five are quite attainable at this point in time. Three out of the five may also give my mother a heart attack. Can you guess which ones?

genders

I went out to dinner with my extended family the other day and because I had just gotten off work, I was still wearing my suit. I was playing with my little cousin and asked him to be careful since it would've been a pain to get a stain out of those clothes. Then he flashed me a mischievous grin and said, "You look like a man." Hmm, thaaanks.

Not sure how else to respond, I repeated his statement. "I look like a man?"

"Kind of. Because of your clothes."

"Ohhhhh. That's not a very nice thing to say :P"

"Well, because of these things," he tried to elaborate, patting the slightly-padded shoulder of my blazer.

Maybe it had more to do with the stern black color of the suit than its actual silhouette...

I also asked him whether he's a man or a woman, and he responded, "A woman." When I second-guessed his answer, he immediately burst into giddy laughter.

sad panda

J left today. For some reason, I feel like this song just fits all the nameless emotions swimming around in my mind right now. Sounds a little nostalgic with Cyndi Lauper's vocals, with a hint of optimism in the beat.

White Panda spins the smoothest mash-ups that have ever drifted through my ears.

it's november 2nd

Did everyone cast their ballots today? It astounds me how frequently I've been encountering people who think their votes don't matter. They have this defeatist or apathetic attitude and I just can't wrap my mind around how they don't see the power they throw away by not voting (never mind that it's kiiind of hypocritical of me to say this since I didn't participate in the 2008 election). Sure, one vote is just a drop in the ocean, but where would your ocean be if it weren't for all those drops?

I've never been all that into politics, but it's hard to stay out of it when you start to realize how much it affects your life, even if you don't immediately feel the impacts. I voted for the first time today, and though I didn't have a position on every issue or make a choice between every candidate, I punched the hell out of my ballot for the ones I did have time to read up on! I'm gonna make it a point to exercise this right to the fullest...just because I can, if for no other reason :)

this blows

This is the last hour I'll have with J before he gets on his 10:30am plane tomorrow. Listening to music together over Skype, making funny faces at each other and trying to come up with a name for a blog that he plans to start once safely abroad. That pretty much sums up how we spend most of our time together.

Now, to be celibate for 6 months...wish me luck!

satan

Tonight was pretty darn successful. A friend and I went out to the Pasadena and San Marino areas with my little cousin to go candy-grubbing. Aside from getting stared at awkwardly while half-expectantly waiting for candy that wasn't going to come, my first time trick-or-treating was quite fun :) Not only did we end up with more spoils than I anticipated, but there were also other "big kids" out there shamelessly knocking on doors and asking for chocolate. I don't know what possessed me to dwell on this thought all night...but I kept wondering whether anyone thought my friend and I were a lesbian couple who was taking our adopted child out for some festivities.

Just when we were finishing up for the night and heading back to the car with little cousin sandwiched safely between us, BAM! Weird man offers us candy on a dark, deserted street.

He was wearing red horns and walking in our direction, dropping a low, creepy "hello" as he passed. We said nothing and kept on our way, but the paranoia in me flared to life and I turned my head to make sure he wouldn't follow us. My heart began to race when I saw him stop, turn around and head back in our direction. He seemed to pick up his pace but thankfully walked ahead of us before proceeding to ask us some questions, the last of which was something along the lines of, "I have some candy to get rid of. Do you guys want it?" My friend said, "Suuuuure..." but backtracked after I gave her a panic-stricken look. We told him we already had enough candy and quickly made our escape.

I would've felt better about accepting if he hadn't sounded so damn creepy.

trick or treat

Too old for it? I think not!

Will let you know how successful it is. With four days left, I neither have a costume idea nor the materials to make one should inspiration strike. Also need to work on procuring a small child to take along. You know, to offset the shadiness of a 20-something-year-old in costume and trick-or-treating. Although I guess it's not half as shady as a grown man in the same position.

so cold

Leaving for San Diego in a few hours to visit J for the weekend. Apparently, his mom thinks I'm anemic because I'm always cold. Is that really a sign of anemia?

I thought it was just because I was spoiled by the 24/7 heater at school. Coming back to my icebox of a house and feeling summer shift over to autumn for the first time in years is doing a number on my body. Weeeak.

on religion

Disclaimer: Originally written stream-of-consciousness style and edited for clarity. It probably didn't help much but you're welcome to attempt to understand. You've been warned.

My coworkers had a discussion about the state of our country's moral system and religion's diminishing influence over the past several decades. I've always found religion very intriguing but haven't dabbled in it too much myself, so I just mainly listened while they voiced their opinions.

Based on the things they said, religion seems to define their perspectives. Makes sense. But for me, as an outsider looking in, it seems like they're imposing restrictions on themselves when they look at the world through the lens of a religion. It's like Life is this unrestricted system and all of a sudden rules are created for it. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but ironically I don't like the thought of that--telling yourself that there is only one framework of right and wrong and you shouldn't deviate from it. Sometimes it's not that easy. I can see that having one standard code of morality that one should adhere to at all times is meant to make life easier by providing some guidelines for how to live but I'm more of the belief that it should be determined on a case-by-case basis...still, listening to them made me feel really inadequate about my own level of personal cultivation.

I've always been indecisive and unsure of myself, and sometimes I feel like I'm being steered toward religion because "it was meant to be that way," that everything I've been thinking and feeling at this point was "predestined" and that religion would be the solution to my confusion. Perhaps it may be. But if I ever choose a religion, I want to make it work for me and not the other way around. And that seems like the wrong attitude to take if I want to choose something like Christianity...it would be selfish and exploitative, and that doesn't seem to align with the religion at all. Maybe I'm just not suitable to be a follower of Christ after all.

I guess the best way I can explain it is, I don't want to look at life through religion; I want to look at religion through life. Religion would be one of many parts of my life, not a defining feature of it.

TL;DR
I don't like rules but maybe The Higher Power knew I'd be lost and confused and is subtly nudging me in the direction of religion. But that might be crazy talk and I'm still resisting it because "fate" is not a good enough reason for me to convert.

b-bomb

The boyfriend bomb got dropped on the nice-man-old-enough-to-be-my-young-father at long last. After a week of indecisive back-and-forth texting, I finally found the heart and opportunity to let slip my status of "happily taken." I could've easily taken a direct approach and told him that I'm flattered but not interested. Even though he never explicitly said he wanted to date me. But I don't like the idea of embarrassing either of us in the off-chance that those weren't his intentions at all, so I thought the most graceful way of resolving the situation was something I like to call the boyfriend bomb.

It needn't be said that you have to be artful when resorting to this method, otherwise it defeats the purpose of being roundabout in the first place.

Awkward
Him: What do you like to do in your free time?
Her: Sorry, I have a boyfriend so I shouldn't be talking to you anymore.
Him: Uhh, no offense but I'm not even interested in you that way.

Not as awkward
Him: What do you like to do in your free time?
Her: I like to watch movies with my boyfriend.
Him: Oh, that's cool. See you around then.

See, all you have to do is casually slip "my boyfriend" into your response so that you give him the information he needs to know without making it painfully obvious that you're actually telling him to fuck off. It gives him time to process the implications of the situation without embarrassing either of you upfront. Here's an example of what NOT to do.

Anyway, after the bomb was dropped, I never heard back from him. I guess random people you meet at events never want to be just friends.

he might be shady, but then again so am i

I'm getting the vibe that the stranger who asked me out might be kinda sketchy. You might ask, "Well, if he's so sketchy, why don't you just stop talking to him?" Ah, but that would strip my already-boring life of a potential source of entertainment. I guess that makes me pretty sketchy myself. Shhh.

I went to look him up on the social networking sites that I use and managed to find him through one of them. What intrigued me about the situation was his "in a relationship" status and how he immediately changed his profile after I friended him so that the status was nowhere to be found. Then he told me that it was difficult for him to get back on because he hadn't been on in a long time. Riiight. So here he is, telling me that he just happened to check his page on the very same day that I added him, and then conveniently removed his relationship status. Maybe this social website notifies you via email when you get requests and I'm just being a super skeptic. Or maybe he's sketchy. Let us see what happens next...

too nice to say no

If my weekend activities have taught me anything, it's that I'm painfully awkward and altogether too nice to say no when it comes to interacting with the opposite sex. Apparently, males and females interpret friendliness quite differently...I should've known that too. Blah!

Now the nice man who is probably old enough to be my young father seems to be interested in more than a platonic, professional relationship. The whole thing is a little reminiscent of Memoirs of a Geisha to me, except the part where I'm secretly in love with him and want him to have my babies. Which is to say, this is nothing like the book but I can't think of another example off the top of my head so Sayuri and her chairman will have to do.

Even when it started becoming more clear what his true intentions were, I wasn't able to bring myself to set him straight. Gee, I wonder how this'll pan out...

i need sleep

In the last three days, I have:

• gotten a whopping 7 hours of sleep,
• eaten two weeks' worth of dessert but somehow managed to get slightly thinner,
• gotten hit on by an older man,
• realized my butt is smaller now and am surprised to find that I'm not happy about it,
• gotten asked out by a complete stranger for the first time,
• gotten really drunk while already drunk on sleep deprivation.

Can't wait for this weekend to come so I can finally indulge in some much-needed R&R!

no regrets, just love

I still get a little misty-eyed every time I think about J's impending departure, but I'm mildly comforted by the fact that it isn't likely to happen until November. He came up to visit me for a day and a half and as always, we pigged out like there was no tomorrow and talked much more than usual about nothing at all.

After indulging in Daikokuya for dinner on Saturday night, we went on a double date with Elise and Greg to see Easy A. Feeling guilty that I was dragging him into something that might've been too much of a chick flick, I paid for J's ticket. It was a fun and mindless movie, with a balanced mix of humor and drama. The whole making-a-statement-by-wearing-lingerie-in-public idea was impressed upon me, and now I'm tempted to emulate it simply because I'm actually pretty conservative in real life. Call it irony. Oftentimes I wonder how people perceive me. I already know I'm kind of judged for my interests. I guess they'd be surprised to know I've been keeping a blog too.

Today we made the trip out to West Covina to have delicious Malaysian food at a restaurant we used to frequent in college called Penang. Absolute favorite dishes are the mi goreng (definitely not the same as the instant noodles I mentioned before) and kacang pendek, which are string beans covered in a funky-smelling but mouthwatering fish paste. Sooo good.

Now we're going to switch gears. My spotting lately has done nothing to assuage my fears of premature parenthood, especially because I've never ever spotted in my entire history of periods. If I'm stressed out, I just skip entirely. So I insisted that we make a run to Target and find out once and for all whether there's a bun in the oven. Clutching a box of tests as discreetly as possible while waiting in line, I avoided all unnecessary eye contact until I got to the cashier, who glanced at my purchase and then at me before she smiled sympathetically. How embarrassing! I finished the transaction and ducked into the restroom where I settled into a stall to read the directions and get the whole thing over with. I have to say, those tests are pretty darn fancy for how quickly they get discarded...

Sadly enough, it turns out that my developing roll is more likely due to overindulgence in palatable pleasures than sexual ones. And so, as one anxiety is relieved, another is born in its stead.

going the distance

J accepted a job offer from abroad, so now he's making all the necessary travel and housing arrangements, with his departure date contingent on how quickly he can get his visa. I'm really happy for him and also kind of envious because I'd love to take on a position like that, but mostly I'm just unfathomably sad. Not sure how I got through work today without spilling a tear. I've been waiting all day to come home and let it out, except now I just feel numb. I know I'm overreacting...but I'm afraid of what's going to happen now that it's going to be a long-distance relationship, in the truest sense. Now that I think about it, I've spoken to him almost every day for the last four years. We agreed from early on in our relationship that there's no reason not to make it work if the feelings are there, but now that I'm not sure when we'll see each other again...I don't know how to feel. These days it seems like Life is throwing one thing after another at me to sap the happiness out of my days.

It feels like my better half is going to be torn away from me soon. I know this is way more emo than I typically care to show, but I don't know how else to express it. It's not the end of the world, but I didn't think it would actually hurt this much. Ugh. Damn this fragile heart.

via Le Love

mind shift

This song, paired with the video, makes me really happy. Slow motion running and seizures in suits is genius. The end cracks me up every time.

"Damn... those Japanese are getting really good at making robots!" -YouTube commenter

ugh

I have this knack for finding jobs that inevitably end up slowly crushing my soul.

I gotta stop doing that.

no sex, just lust

It's amazing how much stress can dampen one's sex drive. It's been exactly 20 days since I last saw J. Within that time I have, as Leigh likes to call it, "loved" myself only twice, both times in the same day...and that was a week ago.

I'm also waiting on my period. It's a vicious cycle though; it's late because I'm stressed out, but I stress out more because it's late, which ends up delaying it further (at least, that's how I like to think it works). I never thought I'd be stupid enough to let something like this happen, but I'm 99% certain that it didn't actually happen. I'll start panicking in earnest if I skip next month too.

You'd think that I'd swear off even looking at guys until I can breathe easy again, but nope, that is not the case. I've developed a small crush on Ryan Higa of YouTube fame. He's just so damn pretty, but that's why we'd never be able to work out even if he ever looked my way. Still, he's quite a treat for the eyes :P

And then there's Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Damn you, Claudia Schiffer.
Photographer: Ellen von Unwerth

Mmm.
Photographer: Ellen von Unwerth

This is supremely sexy, in a very strange way. And this is just hilarious. Oh, the things I would do to him...

cakes

Kind of a busy weekend, with a little more spontaneity than I'm comfortable with...but to hell with comfort when spontaneity promises some fun, which my life has been lacking lately. A friend was turning 25 so we celebrated by taking him out to all-you-can-eat Korean BBQ at a place called Tahoe Galbi. Prices were decent ($18 without tax and tip) and the 4.5 shots of soju that it took to get me to my happy place went down smoothly. I love being a lightweight.

The birthday boy's girlfriend bought a cake from JJ Bakery that was quite delicious. Chocolate cake with a light whipped cream frosting, I think. People say Asian cakes are much better than American cakes because the frosting isn't as sweet, but I've never minded the extra sugar. I guess I'm just a sucrose fiend :)

A friend got married so I brought Elise with me to the reception. It was my first time attending anything wedding-related, and now it's got me looking forward to my own wedding. But just the wedding, not the marriage. And only because I'd get to wade through elegant dresses and go cake-tasting! Otherwise, I don't want to get married by 28 anymore. It feels too soon all of a sudden...

where did life go?

As grateful as I am to be employed right now, I also kind of miss having a life. I live for the weekends more than ever now, especially since I've been working Monday through Saturday. That leaves Sunday as my recovery day, but all I can bring myself to do is catch up on episodes of Naruto and read naughty fanfics. Sadly, even that has to be spread out over the course of two or three days since I only have a couple hours to myself every night.

I grabbed frozen yogurt with Leigh and Elise yesterday, and they relentlessly made fun of me after I revealed my latest dream in which The Dork propositioned me despite both of us seeing other people. Not exactly sure what my subconscious was trying to tell me there. I think the bitter part of me just dreamed it up to feel superior to his current girlfriend. Don't ask me how they're still relevant because I didn't think they were either.

unwinding

After a week and a half of nearly nonstop madness, I finally have some time to myself to take care of things that I've been neglecting...like catching up on episodes of Naruto, reading the latest chapter of the manga, playing some SC2 now that my brother is finally home with his gaming-capable laptop, and of course, blogging. I turned down an evening of watching movies with Leigh and Elise so I could do these things, and I'd feel guiltier about it if I wasn't going to spend literally all day with them tomorrow. That didn't prevent Leigh from getting upset with me though, but I don't think she understands how many little projects I have going on and just how hard it's been for me to keep up. When I said that I signed away the next two months of my life, I really meant it. On top of doing overtime at work, I also need to keep up with my internship duties which don't end until late October. I'm just counting down the days until then, while wondering how close my friends will come to disowning me because I've suddenly disappeared from the radar.

black swan

In first grade, I used to always check out this one book from the library for reading time...Of Swans, Sugarplums, and Satin Slippers: Ballet Stories for Children by Violette Verdy. I only have vague memories of what the stories were about, but I know most if not all of them had some romantic element to them and the book had the prettiest illustrations (at least, I thought so at the time). I had long forgotten about that book until I was poking around on YouTube and came across this trailer for Black Swan:

The ballet is Swan Lake and now that I've given myself a refresher on the plot, it's actually pretty tragic. I'm very intrigued by this movie, especially because I adore Natalie Portman, but I'm also curious about where the story will go. J made fun of me when I mentioned it to him, as he couldn't believe that "psychological thriller" and "lesbian ballerinas" could ever be thrown together into a serious film. Then I showed him the trailer and he conceded that it didn't look as bad as the concept sounded. That's probably more a reflection of my ineptitude at describing things than the movie itself, but I digress. I'll probably end up Wiki'ing the synopsis after the release since I don't have a life anymore.

the office environment

I'm torn between talking up a shitstorm about Boss and laughing at Boss for trying to get into everything that goes on in the office when Boss doesn't understand a damn thing about any of it. Just tell me what you want to see and let me do it my own way, otherwise why don't you do it yourself? And I thought MY control-freak personality was bad.

My coworkers have confided in me about a potentially devastating "revolt" of sorts in the coming months. Their plans will be executed before the year is out, but since I can't join them in solidarity I must suffer at the hands of the Evil. I'm already bracing myself for more shouting and abuse. And also asking myself whether having a job under someone like that is even worth it.

when shit hits the fan

I get blamed for not thinking about a, b and c, but that's because I'm busy thinking about x, y and z. I only want some understanding. I don't even care for sympathy. I don't think I deserve this kind of treatment but fighting back doesn't really get me anywhere. So what do I do then?

It's a good thing J came to visit this weekend. In light of recent events, my energy level has been low compared to what it normally is when he visits, but I think he was pretty tired too from all the traveling he's been doing so it worked out okay. Because we lacked privacy at my house, we went to great lengths throughout the day to find a dark and secluded area to indulge in some nighttime activities. We finally found a place near home after dinner with some friends. But between worrying about getting seen by passersby, having to duck out of sight every time lights came on, trying to see where everything was in the dark, working in a very tight space, and fighting an ever-growing need to pee after a liquid-heavy meal, I couldn't do it anymore and we threw in the towel. One of us really needs to find our own place so we can put an end to these risky behaviors born out of desperation. Still, it was fun :P

In any case, he gave me a welcome escape from the craziness that has been this past week, but as always I'm forced to face reality again upon his departure.

signed and sealed

The good news: I have a job!
The bad news: I signed away my soul for it.

Either I didn't screw up the interview as much as I thought I did or they were just really desperate to hire help...I think it's the latter. After two hours of paperwork and emphasis on how rigorous this job will be, how much time I will potentially have to take out on top of the typical 9-to-5 to properly fulfill my duties, and an unconvincing mini lecture on how grateful I should be to work as what amounts to the office bitch, I signed at least the next two months of my life away.

At least I can buy some happiness to tide me over until I have some freedom again.

wine is the one thing that would never reject my advances

I had an interview on Friday for a job that didn't exactly relate to my major but was still relevant enough to warrant my applying to it (because, let's be honest now, I'm getting desperate). I was super excited afterward because the interviewer and the potential boss-to-be seemed to like me, but I made a huge blunder while responding to the infamous salary requirement question. Instead of bullshitting my way out of it with a vague response, I threw out a number that was probably much more than they could've given me and now I'm afraid that it's cost me this job. Ugh. I'm THIS close to selling my soul for a regular paycheck.

This is my second post in a row that I'm composing while drunk. Rejection, no matter in what form, is depressing and disheartening. So I felt the need to take full advantage of the remaining half-bottle of wine in my fridge.

Now I'm going to write checks for my dad and hope that I don't fuck up. Though if I can type up a blog post while intoxicated, I think making out a few numbers should be a cakewalk. Might be a sign that I need more wine.

buzzing

I thought I should do at least one post while inebriated, so without further ado I bring you this edition of aesthetic seduction right after a night of getting drunk off my ass! We were celebrating Elise's boyfriend's birthday, so we had dinner at the Old Spaghetti Factory before heading over to another friend's house to drink. I feel obligated to review this place, so I will say that for $15 you can get a pretty decent meal here. Most, if not all, their dishes come with either a soup or salad and ice cream for dessert. Spumoni is pretty awesome but only because it gave me a much-needed chocolate fix :)

Anyway, half the people took shots with the birthday boy at the house and being a lightweight, I was buzzing after three drinks and feeling pretty good. But then everyone decided that King's Cup would be a good idea so I joined in for the hell of it. That didn't work out too well. Somehow I knew I would end up drinking the King's Cup, which is why I pleaded with people beforehand to share it with me in the case that I did end up having to put it down. Except when I drew the last king, everyone goaded me into drinking it by myself and being easily peer-pressured, I chugged the mixture of beer, coconut rum, tropical punch, grenadine, and orange juice. And that brings me to my current state.

It wasn't the grossest concoction that could've come out of that situation, but I've decided that I can't get a good buzz unless I commit to one kind of alcohol. From experience, I've found that vodka or wine works best and I'm going to try my very hardest to stick to my tried-and-true ways.

ETA: I'm almost certain that I was still a little drunk when I woke up this morning, even though I didn't have all that much last night. I was most definitely a little hungover, but the headache passed as the day wore on.

legs, and not the sexy kind

I was absorbed in job applications last night, filling forms out as fast as I could to meet a deadline. As engrossed as I was in my task, I saw fast movement out of the corner of my eye and before my brain had time to process what the hell I was looking at, I screamed bloody murder and rocketed out of my seat in an effort to get as far away from the thing as possible. I stared at the mass of legs that had appeared on the wall above my desk as my mom came rushing in to find out what all the commotion was about. All I could do was point stupidly and hop around helplessly. She kept saying it was a centipede, though at the time I didn't understand what she was telling me. And I had no idea what it was since I had never seen something so huge and hideous in my life that was not confined in a glass tank, but if I had to guess I would've said a centipede. All I could think about was the legs. Oh god, so many legs...!

She ended up smashing it with a sandal and tossing it into the toilet to flush to a watery grave, but before that happened I insisted on taking pictures so I could have a closer look at the monstrous thing. I'm not going to post those pictures because who wants to look at pieces of a squished bug in a toilet bowl? I will, however, leave this for you so you know just how scary this hell-spawn was.

Anyway, my mom is my hero. If I ever get married, I hope my hubby won't be as big of a wuss as I am. Some of the thing's legs are still stuck to my wall, but I can't seem to bring myself to clean them off.

lady problems (it might be a little graphic)

On Monday, I went out to lunch with my parents. It was blazing hot outside, and I had spent the previous night being way too bloated and cramping away, which left me in a foul mood even after I woke up. As bad luck would have it, it was during our wait for a table when Aunt Flo came knocking and despite my best efforts I couldn't keep her at bay. Fortunately for me, we got seated quickly and I made a beeline for the ladies' room.

The moment my ass hit the seat, before I even had time to react to the awful mess Aunt Flo trekked in on the welcome mat, I heard someone trying to open the restroom door. Ignoring it, I went to town trying to scrub out the mess and gave myself a pat on the back for having the forethought to wear black panties. The woman outside tried the knob again, which was slightly alarming because I didn't want a repeat of the beach incident. I muttered a curse and tried to work faster, but only sullied my fingers in my haste.

Again, she was at the knob. I was getting frantic. I imagined the persistent woman going out to ask the manager for a key, unlocking the door from the outside and walking in on me in all my half-naked, bloody-handed glory. How mortifying that would be! In frustration, I finally called out to indicate that the room was indeed occupied. Fishing a pad out of my purse was harder than it should've been as I was slowed by my stained fingers.

After what seemed like forever, I managed to extract my cottony savior and get it in place before the woman was at the door again. I shouted, louder this time, that someone was using the room. After finishing off and washing my hands, I jerked open the door with a scowl on my face, ready to stare down whoever the hell it was who couldn't control herself for three minutes so that I could handle my emergency in peace. It was a 50-something-year-old Asian woman and I caught her just as she finished opening the door to the MEN'S room. She only laughed when she saw me come out and I was only able to stay mildly irritated at her. Ugh.

Public restrooms are such a pain.

what's art anyway?

I'm not sure how anyone can say video games aren't art. Probably because most peoples' idea of art is paintings and sculptures and buildings...things that are tangible and easily romanticized, especially if they've been around for a while. Sure, when I look at pieces that are considered traditional forms of art, I can marvel at them and appreciate the work that went into their creation. But I get that same feeling when I watch or play a game too (I'm talking about RPGs here). So much money and talent go into producing quality games, the kind where it takes anywhere from 10-60 hours to complete, and most people overlook this because they think games are just something to be consumed when that's only one facet of it. Not only do these kinds of games tell a story, but many of them are visually stunning.

Mirror's Edge

It's may be unconventional to call it art, but in my eyes a lot of games these days are really just interactive movies. Seriously, game trailers are looking more and more like movie trailers. And people don't seem to have a problem labeling movies as art.

Here, have this article. It makes an argument for video game development as an art form and delves into it a lot more than I do. Aaand it's written by a female. Wooo!

loko

I still felt a little drunk from last night when I woke up this morning, but I couldn't really tell whether I was or just exhausted and slightly hungover. All I know is, Four Loko gives a bad buzz. It's an alcoholic energy drink that comes in an aluminum can like the ones used for Arizona, which is the equivalent of probably three standard drinks. Leigh thought it would be a good idea to get really fucked up on it so we each put one down before we left to the Broadway Bar to celebrate a friend's birthday and we were giggling uncontrollably like silly little girls by the time we got there.

Ours was 12% alcohol and 88% nasty.

We had the fruit punch flavored one, which everyone thought was better than the lemon flavored but...it was all gross to me. Of course, I chugged it anyway. It must've been the caffeine because that buzz lasted six or seven hours. And that's more than I'm comfortable with for something that's only supposed to last three or four. Everyone else at the party was trashed too so it didn't matter until I got home and had to clumsily tiptoe around the house at 4am to make myself some Mi Goreng. Never again! Caffeine and I can't be friends, at least not when alcohol is involved.

As for the bar itself, it was pretty nice and from what I can remember there wasn't a cover. We got there around 10pm so it wasn't packed but it was definitely full by the time we left around 1am. I can't remember much more than that...I'll add more if anything else comes back to me.

tipsy wednesday (nsfw)

Irene, Leigh, and I went to Islands for dinner last night to have another catch-up/gossip session. Of course, Irene was the only one who went intending to have dinner. Leigh and I had our hearts set on getting drunk. Nevertheless, once our menus were placed before us, I suddenly had a hankering for spinach artichoke dip. Irene ordered onion rings for "dinner" and she couldn't even finish it with our help.

In our defense, most of our stomach space went to the drinks that we all guzzled after realizing that we were making more of a dent in our food than our beverages. Irene and I each had a Lava Flow while Leigh tried the Rusty Anchor. I should've gotten that one for the Kahlua alone, but I was still happy with mine. Islands' drinks are fruitylicious! And for lightweights like us, they really did the trick.

Afterward, we walked around being obnoxiously loud and taking pictures before deciding to leave. Somebody whistled at us in the parking lot and I was nearly overcome by an urge to shout, "Let me show you my penis!"

Now I want to get one of these just so I can oblige when someone takes me up on that offer.

We spent part of the ride home catcalling guys on the street. Not too successful as there weren't many of them walking around on a Wednesday night, but we'll probably be back again soon to do it properly. Bwahahahaha.

dreamworld drama

Weather's getting hot again and you know what that means...weird dreams!

In this particular episode, J basically told me he was going to sleep with someone else. I don't know how I could've said okay to that, but my dream-self seems to be a huge pushover to the point where it's idiotic. Oh, and I let him sleep with me before he left right afterward to do it with her. This would not fly in real life. I had a similar dream months ago, except that time the other woman was blonde. And he actually told me he wanted to practice with me before going to see her (?!?).

I don't normally have recurring dreams, so you'd think that I must have some deep-seated issues revolving around a fear of getting cheated on if I've essentially had the same dream twice already. But I don't. I've never been more secure in a relationship. The only explanation I could come up with is that my subconscious is trying to sabotage my happiness. Is it because I don't think I deserve him? Maybe. But he thinks I deserve him, so that's all that matters.

Not to mention he'd be crazy to cheat on me! ;D

ten hours

Today was a long day that began at 6 in the morning and I only had four hours of sleep from the night before to carry me through, but it was well worth it. Oddly enough, the weather's starting to warm up again. I guess we should be preparing for another heat wave. Oh, joy...

I met up with J and we breakfasted at the Broken Yolk Cafe in Pacific Beach. The place wasn't very busy so our food came fairly quickly. I had Betty's Southern Biscuits and Gravy which was much more than I could handle since I had a snack on the way down but it was still delicious. He finished his Huevos Rancheros and proceeded to pick at my plate afterward. He also kept joking about how much of a lesbian I was because I kept saying how cute our waitress was.

We headed to the nearest AMC to catch Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. AMC is the only theater I know of that gives an early bird special, where tickets for shows before noon are only $6. So our tickets together cost about as much as one regular ticket. I love great deals! The movie itself was very quirky and painfully awkward at first, but once it got going the whole thing was very amusing. And according to J, the fight scenes were pretty well done. I recommend this if you want two hours of fun and mindless entertainment.

The day wouldn't have been complete if it didn't include some time on the silky sand of a San Diego beach. J knocked out but I stayed awake to tell him to flip over periodically so that he wouldn't burn. Then I couldn't help myself and fell asleep at the sacrifice of my left pinky, which came out of the trip mildly burned. Not sure why it was only that finger.

Beautiful blue sky and fluffy white clouds

Gorgeous sunset at day's end

GERD

I always knew I had indigestion problems but I stubbornly refused to get diagnosed until J finally made me do it. Student Health told me it was GERD, which confirmed what I kind of already suspected. They gave me a prescription for ranitidine, which was supposed to make my stomach produce less acid than usual. They also told me to avoid spicy foods, caffeine, alcohol and chocolate (i.e., happiness), among other things. They might as well have killed me on the spot. I was already on a self-imposed diet that excluded any coffee, eggs, greasy foods, and beef. My life was devoid of any palatable excitement for a while, but the meds only worked for two weeks before I became immune to it. So I said screw it and started eating/drinking whatever the hell I wanted again...

And that brings me to last night, which gave me the worst case of acid reflux ever because of my gluttonous consumption of too much BBQ and chocolate cake at Leigh's house. Over the years, I've discovered some tricks to alleviate the pain and even make it go away faster. But last night, no matter what I did, it kept burning and burning even when I tried to escape into dreamland. Lying on my left side, which is usually my last resort when I can't stand the pain anymore, also failed me and I couldn't help but picture a small hole being burned into my poor esophagus.

Sleep finally saved me from my suffering, but my stomach's going to feel sore for a day or two while it recovers from the burns. It's the price I pay for wanting delicious food.

Don't let GERD happen to YOU. Not that you can really prevent it, but you can preempt it on a case-by-case basis by using my left side trick ;D 99% of the time, it works every time.

awkward doesn't even come close to describing this

I spent last night getting hotboxed by BFF and The Asshole, getting hit on by a really-nice-but-not-my-type guy, and drinking much too lightly.

How did The Asshole become part of last night's plans in the first place? Well, I had already guessed BFF would want to hit him up so was prepared to see him. She asked how I felt about it and only called after I said it was fine. He was surprised to see me. We didn't talk much to each other the entire time but I enjoyed calling him fat once or twice. I feel kind of bad for his nickname now because he was pretty nice to me, but meh. I might change it in the future if this behavior is consistent.

BFF also invited a friend X that we didn't know who brought his friend Y along. Y and I were the only ones not smoking while the others puffed away at their cigs so we ended up talking to each other for most of the night. I suspected where the conversation was headed when he asked if I wanted to go inside and leave the smokers in the patio, but I couldn't be sure until he said more. Over the next twenty minutes, he gave me ample opportunity to tell him I had a boyfriend as he kept pressing me for details about how I spent my free time. I should've dropped the boyfriend bomb then but instead told him about job apps, reading, and gaming. He seemed to take a liking to that last detail because his face lit up and I mentally facepalmed after I said it.

My dumbass didn't choose those moments to tell him about J. No, I let the chance pass by and conversation moved on to other things. What happened next is almost too excruciating for me to even type out. When topics were exhausted, I tactlessly blurted out, "I should tell you that I have a boyfriend." But it was even worse than that, much choppier and bungled than I want to recall. And I kid you not, his eyes actually bulged and he looked stunned for a few seconds. I wanted to shoot myself. He recovered after a couple minutes and graciously continued talking to me, even asking about how things with J were going. We had lots of things in common, but I just wasn't feeling it. Not that I'm even looking anyway.

It was a good time overall, but I'm convinced I wouldn't have committed such a blunder had I only put down some more "social lubricant." I've made a mental note of it for next time.

spontaneity

Le BFF is coming home tonight and crashing at my place for a couple of days. We're hoping to go get some drinks tonight and maybe paint the town...Scarlet. Hahaha you saw that one coming.

HAPPY FRIDAY THE 13TH!

Friday the 13th has only ever brought me good things. Don't fail me now!

beach bum

I had an amazing time with the girls yesterday. We went to the beach to soak up some sunshine and took a look at the nearby shops before heading back to Elise's place. We ended up ordering pizza for dinner and watching Rent. Even though I've seen it twice already, I had to try really hard not to cry. I think that's just the effect that musicals have on me...even though I've only seen one other one. Unless Disney movies count, which they should.

Mission Beach in San Diego, May 2010

Huntington Beach, July 2008

A guy walked in on me while I was peeing in the public restroom. Luckily I was already pulling my pants up when it happened. He said he was sorry, but he didn't sound very genuine about it.

roots

Back in high school, I got tired of having straight hair and cultivated a close relationship with my curling iron. It was a beautiful arrangement that granted me the perfectly straight bangs and bouncy curls that were all the rage at the time. So taken was I with my styling tool that I consulted with it almost every other day. I never noticed any decline in my hair's health; having blown it dry after every wash for as long as I could remember, my hair was always on the crispy side.

But then while I was bored in English class one fateful day, I began toying with my hair and inspecting my ends. To my horror, I discovered a mutated split end, the monster of all split ends. The unfortunate strand bore an uncanny resemblance to a feather. Such is the result of copious amounts of heat abuse! After carefully plucking it out by the root, I almost wanted to keep it as my prized abomination. But that seemed kind of gross so I just threw it away.

I stopped curling it so much after that, but I couldn't give up my blowdryer. It didn't seem as villainous and having stick-straight hair with the blowdryer was better than having wavy hair with air-drying (my perfectionism would not allow such a compromise). But a few years ago, I seemed to be shedding a lot every time I washed my hair so I began to covet volume. And because life is ironic, the air-drying method that I so vehemently resisted in my younger days gave me my solution. My hair dries with waves in it this way, which somehow works to give me the illusion of more hair. My vanity and I approve.

I can't brush it or else it'd be pointless, but this falls perfectly in line with my laziness.

Enter my mom. I'm minding my own business, tossing my hair around to hasten the drying process and she tells me to brush it because it's not straight. I tell her that achieving waviness is the whole point. Then she abruptly changes the subject, asking if I dyed my hair, to which I paused in disbelief before saying I dyed it practically a year ago. "Your ends are all brown," she said, in the manner of a halfhearted protest.

"I think it looks nicer that way." Gives my mane some dimension, if you ask me.

She appears to harbor an unfounded fear that I'm going to forget my roots or deny my ethnic identity because I'm supposedly rejecting straight black hair. Silly mother. Is there only one accepted form of beauty? I guess there is for her. Based on the information I've gathered, I can only conclude that she wants me to go goth.

domestication

So it seems that many of my friends from middle school and high school are getting pregnant and/or married. It's strange to think that people I once went to school with have decided to start families already. To be honest, I can't even begin to fathom what that would be like. I have long moved beyond the legal age of consent, but I definitely don't have the mental or emotional maturity to be a parent yet. In fact, I don't think I could ever grow up enough in that regard. I can barely handle my potty-trained 6-year-old cousin for more than fifteen minutes at a time, let alone a wailing baby whose constant needs would be more than I could handle (because they'd have to be put above my own. lol!) I'm still in the midst of an (almost) quarter-life crisis, trying to figure out what I want to achieve in the next five years, and making a mini part-me isn't on the list. Not that starting a family at this age is necessarily a bad thing, but in my case a guaranteed ass-kicking from my parents is a pretty good deterrent.

I don't think J's parents are too keen on having a grandchild on their hands either, but it doesn't seem like that has stopped them from thinking about marriage. (What the hell?) His mom asks me questions that make it sound like she's screening for a future daughter-in-law. They sound really innocuous on the surface, but I just know she's testing me. "Do you cook at home? What kind of dishes do you cook? Have you found a job yet? Can you take J shopping for new clothes? You should tell J to get a haircut, he doesn't listen to me." And when I'm not around, "J, does Scarlet treat you well? Does she know how to clean? If she wants to do the dishes, just let her do them." Don't get me wrong, she's very nice to me whenever I visit. But it gets tiring when I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells around someone, you know?

The best scene played out in a car ride with his parents, sister, and grandparents while we were on the way home from dinner. His grandma, this cute little woman with cropped gray hair, turns to me and says, "So Scarlet, are you religious?" I knew my answer could be damaging, but there was no way out of it. "Um, no." I might have tried to salvage the situation by throwing in the fact that my family is sort of religious, but that might have made it worse and an uncomfortable silence followed anyway. Someone said something after that, but I don't remember what because I was having a meltdown inside.

Inexplicably, his family still likes me. I guess I'm just that awesome :3

P.S. Blasting trance and blogging in your underwear when you're home alone is a winning combination.

young dong

Met up with my awesome buddy (he's the only one who follows my blog semi-religiously) M for lunch today. He made me choose the restaurant, which was unfortunate for me because I don't like making executive decisions like that and it always makes me more than a little anxious if people don't like the food I picked but damn it, they'll just have to deal with it as punishment for making the mistake of forcing me to choose. So I voted on a Korean BBQ and tofu house called Young Dong. The name gives J endless ammunition for bad sleazy jokes. He's so juvenile sometimes. But then again, so am I.

Anyway, I think this place is also a small chain because there are locations in San Gabriel and Chino Hills. The menu's not huge but all you should ever need is a plate of bulgogi and/or one of their tofu soups. From experience, the medium-spicy seafood tofu is the best.

They give you a small egg to crack as soon as it arrives! :D

I made the mistake of not ordering this, opting for the beef tofu instead and ended up eyeing M enviously as the smell of his seafood soup wafted over to me. Oh well, now I know. We spent two hours catching up, which mainly consisted of us exchanging stories inappropriate for public ears. But now I've given away all my funny stories and have nothing of interest to keep my sole reader coming back for more. What's a girl to do?

the family bitch

The phone's ringing in the living room, dad's in the adjacent kitchen but his hands are full. Mom's in the sewing room adjacent to that doing goodness knows what.

Dad says, "Phone's ringing."

"What?"

"The phone."

"Scarlet will get it."

"Scarlet's not going to get it, she can't hear it."

Even more annoying than overhearing this exchange is the still-ringing phone, so in defeat I just run out to get it. I pick up and hear the sound of the other person hanging up.

Sigh.

superstitious

My grandma came over today and was chatting with my mom about how my cousin's family is looking for a new house. She mentioned that they found something reasonable close to where my cousin used to go to school, and my mom promptly said, "The most important thing is that the house is clean." By "clean," I knew she actually meant "not haunted."

My mom's solution: "Just have them take the baby inside to play and see if he likes it."

"The baby" is actually my 6-year-old cousin, but for all intents and purposes he is the baby in the family. I guess he's still young enough for the procedure. Apparently, kids and animals can see things that adults can't. Even if this were true, I can't help but feel like it should count as some kind of abuse. My mom tells me that my brother and I were her "cleanliness" meters before we moved into our current house. Fancy that! I'm so glad that my mother would so readily subject us to potentially traumatic experiences at the tender ages of 1 and 4, respectively.

bad taste

My mom and I were talking about my brother and I made a crack about how ugly he is, even though it constituted an inadvertent insult to myself since we look alike (but I don't actually think he's ugly :P). She, of course, came to his defense.

"Your brother's not ugly, he's quite handsome."

Facetiously, I responded, "You're just saying that because you're his mom. He's alriiight."

"No, he's good-looking," she insisted. "In fact, not one of your friends is handsomer than him."

This caught me off guard. I paused briefly, wondering whether she was implying what I thought she was implying with her word "friends." I decided to laugh and answered nonchalantly, "Yeeeah, they're all ugly too."

She chuckled and looked satisfied. I knew what she was going to say before she even said it. "Well no, that one boy you brought home was pretty handsome. He was pale and clean-cut." Oh no, there she goes with the paleness again. She always had a soft spot for The Woman. I wondered if she would feel the same way if she knew him the way I used to and momentarily considered tainting his perfect image in her mind with some careful words but pushed the thought away. I only grimaced at her comments.

"Eh, he was like a woman."

"What, you mean he was gay?"

"No, he just acted like a fussy old lady."

I couldn't tell what she was thinking after that, and I wasn't sure how much more to tell her without revealing the past 8 years of my secret life of dating so we abandoned the subject. I think that's the closest we've ever come to openly talking about my (non-existent up until now) boyfriends. But I don't know, we might still be in denial. I'll let you know.

So um...did she really call me out for having bad taste in men?

If my idea of hot is people like Takeshi Kaneshiro and Dennis O'Neil, I'm kind of hard-pressed to find that outside of the celebrity bubble. Sure, there are plenty of attractive guys that I could potentially meet in the world, but then there's also the issue of being on the same wavelength. It's not easy to find a good combination of physical and emotional chemistry. And I wouldn't be able to stand dating someone hotter than me, so that eliminates a fair chunk of the dating pool.

Sorry, Takeshi, you're too hot for me :(

Yeah, you too, Dennis. Ugh, :9

It doesn't matter anyway. I care more about having someone with whom I can hold a conversation. Besides, love makes everyone beautiful...if it's within reason. LOL.

what do you call this?

I really like the effortless look of this hairstyle, but I don't know how else to describe it except a slick-back without the slickness. Maybe back-swept hair? Google doesn't know what I'm talking about either.

They tell you how to DIY here.

From the If I Were A Boy video

Leigh laughed at me as I fumbled over my words trying to describe it to her. She's an evil one, I tell you.

vindictive

The Dork came up over dinner conversation last night and Elise told me his family doesn't like his girlfriend because she's mean and it would be unlucky to marry someone "with a big forehead." Inwardly, I felt a ripple of satisfaction and gloated a bit in spite of myself. It's irrelevant to my life now since it's been months since I've spoken to her and years since I was in contact with him, but I relished the information anyway. A saint I certainly am not.

The rundown: she was one of my best friends, he was my first love, and we weren't even broken up for two weeks before they were official. Frankly, the last half of that year traumatized me. What is it about high school that makes it such a virile breeding ground for drama and angst?

After all is said and done though, I manage to shove the vindictive bitch in me back into her golden cage because nothing should excuse my malice. The only circumstance under which one might be allowed to overindulge in bitterness is when it takes the form of dark chocolate. Or coffee, if that's your thing.

"3.5 oz of milk chocolate that promises never to lie to you, to be there in the morning*, to never ask your age and to really truly listen to everything you have to say."

*obviously it won't be there for you if you've eaten it all the night before.

i'm a drama queen

The BFF has gotten very friendly with The Asshole in the past three years. And by very friendly, I mean they used to hate each other and now they seek each other out expressly to party together. It shouldn't bother me, but it does.

My guilt-ridden subconscious is not helping matters any either, as my dreams last night transported me back to that period in time where we had just fallen out. It's awful, you just feel so helpless because the problem doesn't lie with you but with another person, and that person is content to just leave things the way they are. But that's all in the past and we're on talking terms now, which should be good enough given the circumstances.

And it's usually good enough, up until I go to post on the BFF's wall and find that they've been chatting about hanging out. I'm afraid that I'll be stuck in this mentality forever, where I can't put things completely behind me because I keep clinging to this idea of him when an idea is all it is anymore. Haha, this doesn't seem very healthy but I also don't have a reference point to which I can compare it, so...I'm not sure what to do about it except sweep it under the rug because it's not relevant to anything going on in my life right now.

the butterfly effect

My sadistic mother, entirely ignoring my 12pm rule, woke me up this morning and, a little more loudly than I would've liked, declared that we should visit the LA County Natural History Museum to see their Pavilion of Wings exhibit. Since I have an irrational fear of butterflies, walking into a small enclosed space with tons of them flying around did not sit well with me. Especially when my impulses were telling me to swat them away once they started hovering too close, but I restrained myself as best I could so as not to incite the wrath of all the butterfly-watchers there and get kicked out of the tent.

Actually, I think this one might be a moth.

I know, being afraid of butterflies is really lame. But I'm afraid of all bugs in general, particularly ones that can fly and/or buzz, almost to the point where it's crippling. Clusters of spheres also freak me out. I'm not saying any of it makes sense.