going the distance

J accepted a job offer from abroad, so now he's making all the necessary travel and housing arrangements, with his departure date contingent on how quickly he can get his visa. I'm really happy for him and also kind of envious because I'd love to take on a position like that, but mostly I'm just unfathomably sad. Not sure how I got through work today without spilling a tear. I've been waiting all day to come home and let it out, except now I just feel numb. I know I'm overreacting...but I'm afraid of what's going to happen now that it's going to be a long-distance relationship, in the truest sense. Now that I think about it, I've spoken to him almost every day for the last four years. We agreed from early on in our relationship that there's no reason not to make it work if the feelings are there, but now that I'm not sure when we'll see each other again...I don't know how to feel. These days it seems like Life is throwing one thing after another at me to sap the happiness out of my days.

It feels like my better half is going to be torn away from me soon. I know this is way more emo than I typically care to show, but I don't know how else to express it. It's not the end of the world, but I didn't think it would actually hurt this much. Ugh. Damn this fragile heart.

via Le Love

mind shift

This song, paired with the video, makes me really happy. Slow motion running and seizures in suits is genius. The end cracks me up every time.

"Damn... those Japanese are getting really good at making robots!" -YouTube commenter

ugh

I have this knack for finding jobs that inevitably end up slowly crushing my soul.

I gotta stop doing that.

no sex, just lust

It's amazing how much stress can dampen one's sex drive. It's been exactly 20 days since I last saw J. Within that time I have, as Leigh likes to call it, "loved" myself only twice, both times in the same day...and that was a week ago.

I'm also waiting on my period. It's a vicious cycle though; it's late because I'm stressed out, but I stress out more because it's late, which ends up delaying it further (at least, that's how I like to think it works). I never thought I'd be stupid enough to let something like this happen, but I'm 99% certain that it didn't actually happen. I'll start panicking in earnest if I skip next month too.

You'd think that I'd swear off even looking at guys until I can breathe easy again, but nope, that is not the case. I've developed a small crush on Ryan Higa of YouTube fame. He's just so damn pretty, but that's why we'd never be able to work out even if he ever looked my way. Still, he's quite a treat for the eyes :P

And then there's Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Damn you, Claudia Schiffer.
Photographer: Ellen von Unwerth

Mmm.
Photographer: Ellen von Unwerth

This is supremely sexy, in a very strange way. And this is just hilarious. Oh, the things I would do to him...

cakes

Kind of a busy weekend, with a little more spontaneity than I'm comfortable with...but to hell with comfort when spontaneity promises some fun, which my life has been lacking lately. A friend was turning 25 so we celebrated by taking him out to all-you-can-eat Korean BBQ at a place called Tahoe Galbi. Prices were decent ($18 without tax and tip) and the 4.5 shots of soju that it took to get me to my happy place went down smoothly. I love being a lightweight.

The birthday boy's girlfriend bought a cake from JJ Bakery that was quite delicious. Chocolate cake with a light whipped cream frosting, I think. People say Asian cakes are much better than American cakes because the frosting isn't as sweet, but I've never minded the extra sugar. I guess I'm just a sucrose fiend :)

A friend got married so I brought Elise with me to the reception. It was my first time attending anything wedding-related, and now it's got me looking forward to my own wedding. But just the wedding, not the marriage. And only because I'd get to wade through elegant dresses and go cake-tasting! Otherwise, I don't want to get married by 28 anymore. It feels too soon all of a sudden...

where did life go?

As grateful as I am to be employed right now, I also kind of miss having a life. I live for the weekends more than ever now, especially since I've been working Monday through Saturday. That leaves Sunday as my recovery day, but all I can bring myself to do is catch up on episodes of Naruto and read naughty fanfics. Sadly, even that has to be spread out over the course of two or three days since I only have a couple hours to myself every night.

I grabbed frozen yogurt with Leigh and Elise yesterday, and they relentlessly made fun of me after I revealed my latest dream in which The Dork propositioned me despite both of us seeing other people. Not exactly sure what my subconscious was trying to tell me there. I think the bitter part of me just dreamed it up to feel superior to his current girlfriend. Don't ask me how they're still relevant because I didn't think they were either.

unwinding

After a week and a half of nearly nonstop madness, I finally have some time to myself to take care of things that I've been neglecting...like catching up on episodes of Naruto, reading the latest chapter of the manga, playing some SC2 now that my brother is finally home with his gaming-capable laptop, and of course, blogging. I turned down an evening of watching movies with Leigh and Elise so I could do these things, and I'd feel guiltier about it if I wasn't going to spend literally all day with them tomorrow. That didn't prevent Leigh from getting upset with me though, but I don't think she understands how many little projects I have going on and just how hard it's been for me to keep up. When I said that I signed away the next two months of my life, I really meant it. On top of doing overtime at work, I also need to keep up with my internship duties which don't end until late October. I'm just counting down the days until then, while wondering how close my friends will come to disowning me because I've suddenly disappeared from the radar.

black swan

In first grade, I used to always check out this one book from the library for reading time...Of Swans, Sugarplums, and Satin Slippers: Ballet Stories for Children by Violette Verdy. I only have vague memories of what the stories were about, but I know most if not all of them had some romantic element to them and the book had the prettiest illustrations (at least, I thought so at the time). I had long forgotten about that book until I was poking around on YouTube and came across this trailer for Black Swan:

The ballet is Swan Lake and now that I've given myself a refresher on the plot, it's actually pretty tragic. I'm very intrigued by this movie, especially because I adore Natalie Portman, but I'm also curious about where the story will go. J made fun of me when I mentioned it to him, as he couldn't believe that "psychological thriller" and "lesbian ballerinas" could ever be thrown together into a serious film. Then I showed him the trailer and he conceded that it didn't look as bad as the concept sounded. That's probably more a reflection of my ineptitude at describing things than the movie itself, but I digress. I'll probably end up Wiki'ing the synopsis after the release since I don't have a life anymore.

the office environment

I'm torn between talking up a shitstorm about Boss and laughing at Boss for trying to get into everything that goes on in the office when Boss doesn't understand a damn thing about any of it. Just tell me what you want to see and let me do it my own way, otherwise why don't you do it yourself? And I thought MY control-freak personality was bad.

My coworkers have confided in me about a potentially devastating "revolt" of sorts in the coming months. Their plans will be executed before the year is out, but since I can't join them in solidarity I must suffer at the hands of the Evil. I'm already bracing myself for more shouting and abuse. And also asking myself whether having a job under someone like that is even worth it.

when shit hits the fan

I get blamed for not thinking about a, b and c, but that's because I'm busy thinking about x, y and z. I only want some understanding. I don't even care for sympathy. I don't think I deserve this kind of treatment but fighting back doesn't really get me anywhere. So what do I do then?

It's a good thing J came to visit this weekend. In light of recent events, my energy level has been low compared to what it normally is when he visits, but I think he was pretty tired too from all the traveling he's been doing so it worked out okay. Because we lacked privacy at my house, we went to great lengths throughout the day to find a dark and secluded area to indulge in some nighttime activities. We finally found a place near home after dinner with some friends. But between worrying about getting seen by passersby, having to duck out of sight every time lights came on, trying to see where everything was in the dark, working in a very tight space, and fighting an ever-growing need to pee after a liquid-heavy meal, I couldn't do it anymore and we threw in the towel. One of us really needs to find our own place so we can put an end to these risky behaviors born out of desperation. Still, it was fun :P

In any case, he gave me a welcome escape from the craziness that has been this past week, but as always I'm forced to face reality again upon his departure.

signed and sealed

The good news: I have a job!
The bad news: I signed away my soul for it.

Either I didn't screw up the interview as much as I thought I did or they were just really desperate to hire help...I think it's the latter. After two hours of paperwork and emphasis on how rigorous this job will be, how much time I will potentially have to take out on top of the typical 9-to-5 to properly fulfill my duties, and an unconvincing mini lecture on how grateful I should be to work as what amounts to the office bitch, I signed at least the next two months of my life away.

At least I can buy some happiness to tide me over until I have some freedom again.