pit stop

It's hard to have drive when you have no direction. I want to give my life some meaning and find something that motivates me enough to pull me forward...because I'm getting tired of only being pushed forward. But what's worth gravitating toward?

Mid-day drive on new year's eve, 2010

I've been feeling so unfulfilled lately. And it's made me wonder whether I would feel more at peace with my situation if I was more spiritual. The idea that there's something beyond our reality is very comforting. Even if life is shitty, I'd at least feel like there's a reason for it, even if it's beyond my understanding right now. You know what I mean? But because I don't prescribe to any religion, I tend to function under the assumption that this life is all I have and once I've lived it, there's nothing else. Can you see how that might be a little cold and depressing?

As I've expressed before though, I don't want to dive into a religion for the express purpose of seeking comfort. I'm sure many people find their spirituality this way, which is fine. But it feels insincere and irreverent.

To be honest, I'm a little afraid of embracing a religion because it'll become yet another part of me that I'll have to take responsibility for. And for this reason, I really admire people who can logically justify and firmly hold onto their religious beliefs. It takes courage to defend what you believe in.

There's no real point to this post except that I have a lot of thoughts and feelings that I need to work through.

musical palette

For a brief time, I thought I had sound-color synesthesia. Certain songs would sound like a certain color. Or they would make me feel a certain color, if that makes sense. But then I realized that most of the songs that were producing this effect in my mind were only pink or orange, and on top of that, I don't really "see" the colors in my mind so much as I "feel" them. I suppose I just make strong associations. So now, unless you can tell me this can also qualifies me as a synesthete, I've given up thinking I was cool.

A pink song:

An orange song:

here's the plan

1. Start studying for the GRE from now until however-long-it-takes
2. Quit between March and June, preferably getting hired elsewhere in that time frame
3. Take some practical classes over the summer whilst saving up some monies

If life is dandy and I find a relevant, enjoyable job--stay in the U.S. and proceed to the next step:

4. Apply for grad school
5. Get into grad school and slave away for 2-4 years
6. Make back lost monies doing satisfying work

If things aren't working out my way--fuck it all, I'm flying my ass to the other hemisphere!

oh, the irony

After some back-and-forth logistic planning, Sketchy and I settled on meeting up for drinks. It was only upon his request that I conceded to doing it at the time I normally wake up (you can be certain that I was none too pleased about this). But I picked the place so I gave him a time that worked for him. Very kind of me, I know.

I arrived 25 minutes early so I ordered a drink and sat down with my book to pass the time. 40 minutes passed and I was still waiting. No problem, maybe he's stuck in traffic.

S: Gonna be late?
Him: Oh shit...We should have made it later...Im sorry. Do you have plans the rest of the day?

Um...WHAT?

S: Lol you're fucking kidding me, I made it earlier because you wanted it earlier. Yeah I have plans.
Him: Lol Yeah. Im an asshole now...
S: Yep.

Well, that's the end of that chapter.

finger armor

They're supposed to be rings, if you couldn't tell. Not the coolest ones I've seen, but possibly the most affordable.

for the record, my heart is sore

Some recent developments:

• Boss seemed to be giving me the cold shoulder today because of my resentful attitude yesterday. Despite how much more peaceful it was this way, it really stunted productivity as most assignments have to go through Boss before they can be completed. This, in the end, will probably fuck me over.
  
• I am seriously contemplating moving to China even though I have yet to secure a job there. (At this point I think the only things holding me back are thoughts about how my family might react and my innate tendency to resist huge changes like this.)
  
• I never imagined I could miss someone as much as I do right now.
• Sketchy has not asked for my number even once since we met. Instead, he has tried to drop me hints, like casually giving me his number so that I might casually text him one day. It's become a little game in my head, to see how long I could keep it from him. And not out of malice, by the way. I'm just...stubborn :) But yes, dude has gotten impatient enough to tell me that I should text him soon. I still haven't decided what to do.

It's been a bit of a rough week. I'm attributing my hypersensitivity to my period's impending arrival. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

i want to disappear

The bubbling resolve behind the potentially devastating revolt that I spoke of some months earlier kind of fizzled out as the holidays ushered in a much-welcomed Calm filled with generosity and the use of "indoor voices," but a return to normalcy has mutiny stirring in our hearts once again.

I actually started to feel a tad guilty for the disarray that is sure to be left in the wake of our resignations...and then the yelling recommenced and hammered in my decision to leave faster than you can say Disapparate!

Now, if only I could have something else lined up after this :(

coffee & conquest

Sketchy had renewed his request to hang out for the third time after our initial meeting. My magnanimous spirit took over long enough for me to set up a potential place and time, but here I am, still waiting to hear back from him. I don't pretend to understand the unresponsiveness where a simple yes or no would've sufficed (there's no excuse--I know he read the message), so maybe that's where my mild annoyance is coming from. Possibly afternoon coffee wasn't what he had in mind?

The situation with Older Man #2 is trending in the same direction. I was half-facetiously telling J that I've made him my conquest because of it. Note that this course of action isn't very typical of me...only when I have a pretty good feeling that they're just in it for the sex. Because when you're still happily single at 40, what else are you looking for?

twenty eleven

The holidays flew by this year--an unfortunate side effect of no longer having actual vacation time to celebrate and laze about. My new year's eve, though low-key, was still enjoyable. The company was good and my sobriety had decidedly dissipated by 9:30pm, but the only action I got this year came from the BFF as we spontaneously decided to reprise our kiss from three years ago. It didn't even happen at midnight, but that tiny detail was smoothed over by more alcohol. Fortunately for me, this one wasn't as well-documented as the last.

Now time for a confession! Naturally, I briefly questioned my sexual orientation because of that alcohol-induced episode three years ago, and I thought I had laid my doubts to rest once and for all after a bit of soul-searching, but some conversations with M lately have made them resurface. Thanks a lot, M. What am I supposed to do with this?!

I'm not sure I'm quite ready to deal with the implications of being bisexual. Even if I am, I'd rather keep dealing with guys exclusively. Can you imagine how much more dramatic life would get if I brought more estrogen into the mix?

An interesting way to start 2011 indeed. Happy New Year!