pit stop

It's hard to have drive when you have no direction. I want to give my life some meaning and find something that motivates me enough to pull me forward...because I'm getting tired of only being pushed forward. But what's worth gravitating toward?

Mid-day drive on new year's eve, 2010

I've been feeling so unfulfilled lately. And it's made me wonder whether I would feel more at peace with my situation if I was more spiritual. The idea that there's something beyond our reality is very comforting. Even if life is shitty, I'd at least feel like there's a reason for it, even if it's beyond my understanding right now. You know what I mean? But because I don't prescribe to any religion, I tend to function under the assumption that this life is all I have and once I've lived it, there's nothing else. Can you see how that might be a little cold and depressing?

As I've expressed before though, I don't want to dive into a religion for the express purpose of seeking comfort. I'm sure many people find their spirituality this way, which is fine. But it feels insincere and irreverent.

To be honest, I'm a little afraid of embracing a religion because it'll become yet another part of me that I'll have to take responsibility for. And for this reason, I really admire people who can logically justify and firmly hold onto their religious beliefs. It takes courage to defend what you believe in.

There's no real point to this post except that I have a lot of thoughts and feelings that I need to work through.

early resolution

People can be placed into one of two categories: 1. Those who draw their strength from others and 2. Those who draw their strength from within.

I belong in the former. "I would like someone to never give up on me, the way I always give up on myself." Yes, I've posted about her a lot, but the connection she feels to Daul is kinda like what I feel to her.

Even though I'm lucky enough to have that someone, it's not a guarantee like having myself. Other people can only take so much. I guess it's something I can work on in the coming year.

I'm throwing this in here because the chorus seems appropriate.

And the synth-y version which J will surely think is crap because he doesn't like any of my synthpop :P

it's november 2nd

Did everyone cast their ballots today? It astounds me how frequently I've been encountering people who think their votes don't matter. They have this defeatist or apathetic attitude and I just can't wrap my mind around how they don't see the power they throw away by not voting (never mind that it's kiiind of hypocritical of me to say this since I didn't participate in the 2008 election). Sure, one vote is just a drop in the ocean, but where would your ocean be if it weren't for all those drops?

I've never been all that into politics, but it's hard to stay out of it when you start to realize how much it affects your life, even if you don't immediately feel the impacts. I voted for the first time today, and though I didn't have a position on every issue or make a choice between every candidate, I punched the hell out of my ballot for the ones I did have time to read up on! I'm gonna make it a point to exercise this right to the fullest...just because I can, if for no other reason :)

on religion

Disclaimer: Originally written stream-of-consciousness style and edited for clarity. It probably didn't help much but you're welcome to attempt to understand. You've been warned.

My coworkers had a discussion about the state of our country's moral system and religion's diminishing influence over the past several decades. I've always found religion very intriguing but haven't dabbled in it too much myself, so I just mainly listened while they voiced their opinions.

Based on the things they said, religion seems to define their perspectives. Makes sense. But for me, as an outsider looking in, it seems like they're imposing restrictions on themselves when they look at the world through the lens of a religion. It's like Life is this unrestricted system and all of a sudden rules are created for it. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but ironically I don't like the thought of that--telling yourself that there is only one framework of right and wrong and you shouldn't deviate from it. Sometimes it's not that easy. I can see that having one standard code of morality that one should adhere to at all times is meant to make life easier by providing some guidelines for how to live but I'm more of the belief that it should be determined on a case-by-case basis...still, listening to them made me feel really inadequate about my own level of personal cultivation.

I've always been indecisive and unsure of myself, and sometimes I feel like I'm being steered toward religion because "it was meant to be that way," that everything I've been thinking and feeling at this point was "predestined" and that religion would be the solution to my confusion. Perhaps it may be. But if I ever choose a religion, I want to make it work for me and not the other way around. And that seems like the wrong attitude to take if I want to choose something like Christianity...it would be selfish and exploitative, and that doesn't seem to align with the religion at all. Maybe I'm just not suitable to be a follower of Christ after all.

I guess the best way I can explain it is, I don't want to look at life through religion; I want to look at religion through life. Religion would be one of many parts of my life, not a defining feature of it.

TL;DR
I don't like rules but maybe The Higher Power knew I'd be lost and confused and is subtly nudging me in the direction of religion. But that might be crazy talk and I'm still resisting it because "fate" is not a good enough reason for me to convert.