on religion

Disclaimer: Originally written stream-of-consciousness style and edited for clarity. It probably didn't help much but you're welcome to attempt to understand. You've been warned.

My coworkers had a discussion about the state of our country's moral system and religion's diminishing influence over the past several decades. I've always found religion very intriguing but haven't dabbled in it too much myself, so I just mainly listened while they voiced their opinions.

Based on the things they said, religion seems to define their perspectives. Makes sense. But for me, as an outsider looking in, it seems like they're imposing restrictions on themselves when they look at the world through the lens of a religion. It's like Life is this unrestricted system and all of a sudden rules are created for it. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but ironically I don't like the thought of that--telling yourself that there is only one framework of right and wrong and you shouldn't deviate from it. Sometimes it's not that easy. I can see that having one standard code of morality that one should adhere to at all times is meant to make life easier by providing some guidelines for how to live but I'm more of the belief that it should be determined on a case-by-case basis...still, listening to them made me feel really inadequate about my own level of personal cultivation.

I've always been indecisive and unsure of myself, and sometimes I feel like I'm being steered toward religion because "it was meant to be that way," that everything I've been thinking and feeling at this point was "predestined" and that religion would be the solution to my confusion. Perhaps it may be. But if I ever choose a religion, I want to make it work for me and not the other way around. And that seems like the wrong attitude to take if I want to choose something like Christianity...it would be selfish and exploitative, and that doesn't seem to align with the religion at all. Maybe I'm just not suitable to be a follower of Christ after all.

I guess the best way I can explain it is, I don't want to look at life through religion; I want to look at religion through life. Religion would be one of many parts of my life, not a defining feature of it.

TL;DR
I don't like rules but maybe The Higher Power knew I'd be lost and confused and is subtly nudging me in the direction of religion. But that might be crazy talk and I'm still resisting it because "fate" is not a good enough reason for me to convert.