oh, the horror!

It's been confirmed. DfmB is a total sleaze.

I was walking along my break route and staring at my phone again, hoping to slip by undetected. No such luck as I glanced up and he was standing right there, waiting for my approach. Creepy, no? And then an even creepier conversation ensued. A couple of snippets:

DfmB: So do you have kids?

S: Um, no. Kind of a personal question there, don't you think?

DfmB: Oh, how much do you weigh? Like 125?

S: ...haha, you're not supposed to ask that. Are you a rapist?

DfmB: Well, I wouldn't have asked if you were big but you're small.

S: Um, yeah, around there. Why did I respond?

DfmB: Oh, I can pick you up with one arm.

S: ...oh really. Please don't.


DfmB: So you have a boyfriend huh? Three years?

S: Yeah, more like three and a half now. Taken taken taken!

DfmB: Oh, lucky guy. *awkward pause* So can I have your number?

S: Didn't you hear what I just said? Uhhh...I don't think...

DfmB: 'Cause I get the feeling you wanna hook up, or are you just really friendly?

S: ?!?!? Um, I'm just really friendly.

DfmB: Well, you're really beautiful. You're not like other girls, you don't dress provocatively and you don't wear a lot of makeup.

S: But you thought a girl like that would go and cheat on her boyfriend? Thank you, that's sweet of you to say.

DfmB: Let me know if things don't work out.

S: Mmkay. No way in hell.


That uncomfortable exchange had me wondering whether I had said something to lead him on. But looking back on it, no normal person would've deduced that there was even any possibility of mutual attraction had they seen how immovably my arms remained folded over my chest and the way I was giving more eye contact to my phone than to him for the duration of our conversation.

Still, I should have been more direct and told him that crap was inappropriate. I have to stop being so damn chirpy.

Now if you'll excuse me, nothing short of a vigorous scrubbing session will rid me of the residual slime from that encounter, and I fully intend to indulge myself. And unless I find a new break route, I'll have to see him again tomorrow. Ugh.

good try

It's no secret that I'm kind of clumsy when it comes to guys. The following encounter was no exception to that rule.

Pretend you're texting someone, don't look up, oh no he's coming this way!

Dude from my building: Hey, I always see you around but I don't even know your name.

Me: Oh, my name's Scarlet. Please don't do what I think you're going to do, please.

DfmB: Scarlet? I'm DfyB.

Me: Nice to finally meet you, DfmB. (Then, by sheer force of habit, I offered my hand to him for a handshake. Nooo, I can assure you, it wasn't out of place at all...)

DfmB: Listen, I think you're very beautiful. I can tell you're not like other girls. Are you seeing anyone right now?

Me: Smile, laugh, keep smiling. Yeeeah, I am. For about three years now.

DfmB: Wow, three years? You guys are gonna guy married!

Me: Haha well, I don't know about thaaat. Stupid, he gave you the perfect opening, you should've gone along with it!

He said some more nice things at this point and may have asked me to talk to him if I ever happened to find myself single, but I was so caught up in attempting to make a hasty escape that I honestly can't remember exactly what was said beyond that.

So as you can see, I can barely deal with guys with mediocre game. I'd hate to imagine what would happen if a guy with good game ever tried to disarm me.

herpes...wut?

I paid a visit to the gynecologist today. As if I wasn't feeling sheepish enough, sitting there in my sans pants glory and mentally preparing myself for the unpleasantness that was about to besiege my lady bits, she took one look at my file and proceeded to reprimand me for not coming back to see her in nearly four years. Oops.

Before she went to work, I made sure to voice my concerns about possibly having a condition called vaginismus. She listened to my complaint but only asked me one question before she made her decision, which made me question how much store I should put by her prescribed line of action.

"I'm going to send you to the lab to test for herpes."

"Okay."

Wait, what?

"Would...would it have been contracted from someone else...?" I asked dumbly. She nodded.

Well, there must be a mistake. "I've only had one partner, and he's never had any partners except me..." I tried to argue.

But she sent me to the lab anyway. (This ended up inviting many questions from my mother. Why she insisted on coming with me to my appointment is beyond me and, quite frankly, really awkward. The last thing I needed was to come up with an explanation for why I needed my blood drawn while simultaneously trying to hide the implications of the test. You see, my relationship with J isn't exactly out in the open...)

Presently all I can say is, how can this even be? I was as un-promiscuous as college students could come (haha, "come"). Instead of getting some answers, I'm left more confused than ever and for the next three weeks I will be worried (needlessly, I hope) about possibly having contracted an incurable STD.

Isn't that just dandy?

advice for the klutzy

1. Slip and fall in public
2. Curse quietly
3. Get up quickly
4. Make sure nobody was looking
5. Check for injuries only after ducking safely out of sight

I think we can all agree that when you straight up fall on your ass in public, the first thing to check for isn't whether you just narrowly escaped a mild concussion or a fractured tailbone...but that nobody saw it happen.

Damn it, don't try crossing cobblestones in dress shoes or your left butt cheek will be sore for the next three days.

random updates

The Older Man called in at work yesterday to inquire about something that we owed him. I thanked my lucky stars that he didn't hear me announce my name when I answered the call, thus avoiding much potential awkwardness...at least for him.

Also, I realized I never updated about Aunt Flo's status. It turns out that her indecisiveness was due to peer pressure from everyone else's aunts, who insisted that she wait for them before coming to town...the unfortunate consequence of spending 9 hours a day with a bunch of females.

b-bomb

The boyfriend bomb got dropped on the nice-man-old-enough-to-be-my-young-father at long last. After a week of indecisive back-and-forth texting, I finally found the heart and opportunity to let slip my status of "happily taken." I could've easily taken a direct approach and told him that I'm flattered but not interested. Even though he never explicitly said he wanted to date me. But I don't like the idea of embarrassing either of us in the off-chance that those weren't his intentions at all, so I thought the most graceful way of resolving the situation was something I like to call the boyfriend bomb.

It needn't be said that you have to be artful when resorting to this method, otherwise it defeats the purpose of being roundabout in the first place.

Awkward
Him: What do you like to do in your free time?
Her: Sorry, I have a boyfriend so I shouldn't be talking to you anymore.
Him: Uhh, no offense but I'm not even interested in you that way.

Not as awkward
Him: What do you like to do in your free time?
Her: I like to watch movies with my boyfriend.
Him: Oh, that's cool. See you around then.

See, all you have to do is casually slip "my boyfriend" into your response so that you give him the information he needs to know without making it painfully obvious that you're actually telling him to fuck off. It gives him time to process the implications of the situation without embarrassing either of you upfront. Here's an example of what NOT to do.

Anyway, after the bomb was dropped, I never heard back from him. I guess random people you meet at events never want to be just friends.

too nice to say no

If my weekend activities have taught me anything, it's that I'm painfully awkward and altogether too nice to say no when it comes to interacting with the opposite sex. Apparently, males and females interpret friendliness quite differently...I should've known that too. Blah!

Now the nice man who is probably old enough to be my young father seems to be interested in more than a platonic, professional relationship. The whole thing is a little reminiscent of Memoirs of a Geisha to me, except the part where I'm secretly in love with him and want him to have my babies. Which is to say, this is nothing like the book but I can't think of another example off the top of my head so Sayuri and her chairman will have to do.

Even when it started becoming more clear what his true intentions were, I wasn't able to bring myself to set him straight. Gee, I wonder how this'll pan out...

awkward doesn't even come close to describing this

I spent last night getting hotboxed by BFF and The Asshole, getting hit on by a really-nice-but-not-my-type guy, and drinking much too lightly.

How did The Asshole become part of last night's plans in the first place? Well, I had already guessed BFF would want to hit him up so was prepared to see him. She asked how I felt about it and only called after I said it was fine. He was surprised to see me. We didn't talk much to each other the entire time but I enjoyed calling him fat once or twice. I feel kind of bad for his nickname now because he was pretty nice to me, but meh. I might change it in the future if this behavior is consistent.

BFF also invited a friend X that we didn't know who brought his friend Y along. Y and I were the only ones not smoking while the others puffed away at their cigs so we ended up talking to each other for most of the night. I suspected where the conversation was headed when he asked if I wanted to go inside and leave the smokers in the patio, but I couldn't be sure until he said more. Over the next twenty minutes, he gave me ample opportunity to tell him I had a boyfriend as he kept pressing me for details about how I spent my free time. I should've dropped the boyfriend bomb then but instead told him about job apps, reading, and gaming. He seemed to take a liking to that last detail because his face lit up and I mentally facepalmed after I said it.

My dumbass didn't choose those moments to tell him about J. No, I let the chance pass by and conversation moved on to other things. What happened next is almost too excruciating for me to even type out. When topics were exhausted, I tactlessly blurted out, "I should tell you that I have a boyfriend." But it was even worse than that, much choppier and bungled than I want to recall. And I kid you not, his eyes actually bulged and he looked stunned for a few seconds. I wanted to shoot myself. He recovered after a couple minutes and graciously continued talking to me, even asking about how things with J were going. We had lots of things in common, but I just wasn't feeling it. Not that I'm even looking anyway.

It was a good time overall, but I'm convinced I wouldn't have committed such a blunder had I only put down some more "social lubricant." I've made a mental note of it for next time.